Googling God's Will

"Googling God's Will: Why Keep Searching for It When It's Not Lost?" by Dr. Winn Griffin.

Christians search for God's will in order to know what He wants them to do in their lifetime. I have even heard some Christians talk about God's Perfect Will for your life which is the idea that there is that one perfect thing that God wants you to be doing and if you are not doing it, then you are out of His will for your life.

This book was a very interesting book to read because what Dr. Griffin says is that God's will is Christians to act within a community. God gives you His will for your life by giving you the principles and commands contained in Scripture so that you will know how to see Him working. Once you see Him working, His will is for you to join Him and minister to those people He is ministering to.

One quote I found very interesting is found on page 89 and it says, "We are so prone sometimes to wait, want a sign, get a clue before we do anything because we have a deep-seated fear that we will miss what we are really supposed to do." As a Christian who has been taught that God has a perfect will for my life, I have often wondered about this concept because I would sit and wonder if I was being told to do what I thought I was being told to do. What I read in this book is that God is telling us to get involved in a community, look and see where God is working, and join Him in His work.

I will share other quotes I found interesting later.

Putting a Dog to Sleep, Part II

Earlier this week I started to write about taking my dog to the vet in order to have him put to sleep. Today, I hope to finish my story in order to give you a short glimpse into the feeling that occur during that process.

After the receptionist checked me in, they took me into the surgery room. They had prepared the room so that it did not feel so cold. They put a really colorful towel on the operating table which really lightened up the room, and they brought a stool in so that I could sit with him while he went through this process.

Now, Buster only weighed about 14 pounds, so he was a pretty light little dog, so I decided that I just wanted to hold him. I sat and held him while the vet came in and gave him a sedative which would relax him and put him to sleep. This is not the medication that would stop his heart. He began to fall asleep and I continued to hold him. I really did not want to let him go. I began to apologize to him. I really felt like a failure at that point.

Please allow me to explain. I am Papa, I am Daddy, I am able to handle and fix all things. When Carrie needs the pickle jar opened, she calls me. I guess sometimes I think I should be wearing red, yellow, and blue underwear with a big cape. I can fix it all, but I could not! I think that is the worst thing for me. I could not fix it, I could not make this go away, I could not make him feel better. Nothing we had done, or could do would make any difference in his life, and so I feel like I failed him. Don't get me wrong, I am not God, nor do I think that I am God, but sometimes Manhood gets in the way of good thinking.

So as I held him there in my arms, he began to fall asleep and his little tongue fell out of his mouth. If you know Buster at all, you know that he would always fall asleep with his tongue sticking out of his mouth, in fact, I used to annoy him by pulling on his tongue while he was asleep. I sort of laughed through the tears and sobbing. Since I was cradling him in my arms, I could feel his hearts beating. What I did not know at this time was that he had not been given the medication that would actually stop his heart, he was just given a tranquilizer to allow him to sleep and not feel anything. I guess this was good because when the vet came in to give him the actual medication, I was more "prepared" for it to happen.

So Buster is asleep and laying there in my arms, and he was really at peace, it was really nice to see. The vet came in and check to make sure that he was completely asleep and would not feel anything. She strapped a tourniquet around his front leg and gave him a shot. This was the medication that would stop his heart. It was sort of nice that at this point in the process, she stayed in the room with me and watched him. She continued to monitor his heart and after just a minute or so, she said that his heart had stopped.

I held him for a couple more minutes and then I was finally able to let him go. As I handed him over to the vet, I kissed his little head one last time and said good bye.

I have a couple of things that I want to talk about with this whole situation. First, (and they will probably never read this) I want to thank the staff at the vets office because they were very caring and compassionate during this time. I realize that you have to pay for these services, the same way you have to pay for a funeral for a person, the staff was really nice in handling the way payment was taken care of, I really did not have to do anything, and I never had to put Buster down during the entire process.

Second, (and they will probably never read this) I want to thank the people in the lobby when I brought him in. Thank you for understanding what I was going through, thank you for caring about my dog even though you did not know him. Thank you for allowing me dignity while I mourned the passing of my friend.

Third, I want to thank Carrie. I am so sorry we had to do this, but I would never change our lives in any way. I am so happy that we care about our pets and treat them like our family. Our dogs are not just something that hangs around with us, they are part of our family.

Fourth, I want to think Chris. I am so glad that I was able to talk to you the next day. My heart really hurt as I battled within myself. My emotional and my rational side really did not like each other that day. And my theological side was really messed up. Healing from any event comes with community and doing life together.

Finally, I want to thank Buster. You were really my first dog. My parents had dog all my life, but none of them were really mine. They were all my parents dogs. Buster, you made my life better. I really enjoyed watching you play and live your life. You made friends really easy and just wanted others to like you. You loved running down slides and following the kids around playgrounds and joining them in their play. I hope that where ever you have gone, you are enjoying your time there and that there are many slides for you to play on.

Losing a pet is never easy, putting a pet to sleep is hard. Holding your pet while you allow them to be put to sleep is the hardest.

Thank you for allowing me to share this story and experience with you. Even if you don't read it, it has been helpful to write about it so that my feelings are not stuck inside me.

Putting a Dog to Sleep

Wow, it has been a long time since I have updated this blog. It is not that I don't care, but I don't really care about it. I would like to care about it and update it on a regular basis, but I don't. Sorry...

Today I am writing about an experience that I had last week and really just need to talk about and maybe write about so that I can get my thoughts out of my own head.

Thursday, January 6, 2011 is a day I will remember for the rest of my life. It is probably not the same type of day as Tuesday, September 11, 2001 or January 28, 1996, but it will be a defining moment in my life. The day before, Carrie and I were informed that Buster had developed lymphoma. We had known that something was wrong with him for quite a while, but the vet we had been seeing just kept prescribing him antibiotics for his skin irritation, but it did not fix it. Once they insisted that we take him to see a animal dermatologists, I told Carrie that we needed to find another vet. Through friends, we found a vet that we really seem to like who has been helping us with our dog problems since we already knew that Jersey had cancer and something was wrong with Buster.

Well, after Cub Scouts on Wednesday night, we took the message from the vet that said something like, I have the results back from the biopsy, please call me on my personal cell phone... That is never a good message to get. Carrie called the vet back and we were told that he had lymphoma. I guess this was not really a surprise to us as we knew that he was really sick and was not getting better. She offered to get him involved with an animal oncologist who is conducting an research on an experimental cancer treatment. After a really long discussion, we decided that although this treatment might prolong his life, it might not make it any better and we were tired of seeing him suffer so we made the decision to have him put to sleep.

The initial plan was to take a week or so and spend some time with him before we did it, but the next morning changed our minds. The next morning I was getting ready to go to work and was up in my office (Buster was downstairs in our bedroom, almost on the other side of the house) and Carrie came up to tell me that Buster was crying and in a lot of pain. I heard him! Buster was never a loud dog who made a whole lot of noise, but I could hear him crying out in pain and I decided right there that I would not let him suffer any more.

We waited until 8 am and tried to call the vet (apparently they don't open at 8 am but 9 am) and when we did not get an answer, I went to work. Carrie finally contacted the vet and the appointment was made: 4:30 pm. I would leave the office at 3:45 pm in order to help take him to the vet. In later discussions, Carrie and I decided that it would not be good for the boys to witness this and one of us needed to take him and one of us needed to stay at home with the boys. I am not sure I want to call it the short straw, but I decided that I needed to take him and Carrie would take care of the kids. (In hindsight, this was a good decision.)

I worked through the day in a daze thinking about what was going to happen tonight. Was he going to feel it, would it be quick, could I really do it. At 3 pm, I decided to go home. I wanted to spend time with my dog (this is the only dog I have ever had who I knew what his birthday was). When I got home, he looked tired and in pain, but very alert and I began to question myself and whether we had made a correct decision. Oh, the doubt, it will drive you crazy.

During the day, Carrie and the boys were able to spend time with Buster and really had a fun day with it. They got out old scrapbooking albums and looked at pictures of when he was a puppy, they saw some of the old toys he used to play with and we got to share stories that made us laugh. (Your imagination can take you anywhere) They both drew pictures of Buster and made sure to get his little brown spot on the side. (I have to admit, I love looking at those pictures.) Finally, I got some time with him. He sat on my lap like he always does when I am reading and slowly he fell asleep. I looked at him and petted the parts of his little body that were not affect by the lymphoma and hopefully made it known to him that he was really loved.

The time came, and we wrapped him up in his towel and put him in the car. Christopher did not want to say good-bye again, he already did, but Matthew followed us down to the car petting and caring for Buster all the way. Carrie and Matthew said good-bye and I pulled the car away from the house. I will admit, this is when the tears began. It was really hard to drive, and I am so glad I did not get into an accident, but then again, the vet is less than 2 minutes from my house.

The vet was pretty busy, and there was no room to park in front so I drove around back and parked. I rewrapped him in his towel, picked him up and carried him in. I was able to compose myself before walking in. Once the receptionist was able to acknowledge me, all I told her was that I had a 4:30 and she answered, "For Buster?" I said yes. Things were going well until she handed me some paperwork that she needed me to sign. It was an "Authorization to Euthanise". Needless to say I lost it. I could not contain the sadness and grief that I was experiencing and the tears began to flow and flow freely. To be honest, this was actually a high point for me in this whole experience because it gave me a bit of renewed hope in humanity. Through tear filled eyes, while trying to sign the paperwork, I looked around the lobby and noticed that every person sitting and standing there was experiencing the same grief that I was. There was not a dry eye to be seen. In fact, one lady was crying so hard she could not even look at me. Just so you don't think I am horrible, I do not take pleasure in making people cry, but it is a hopeful sign that people who do not know each other can still care about each other.

Well, I think I have written enough for today. I will try to write more about this and the struggles I have experienced in Putting a Dog to Sleep.

1 Semester Down

Well, my first semester of seminary is done, and I feel really good about it. This semester I took all the classes that required me to be introspective and think about my relationship with God and His Son.

This semester has given me the opportunity to grow and learn about and with God... I am glad that I have started this journey.

End of the Semester

Well, this semester is almost done... I only have 5 more papers to write and get finished... The good thing is that I have figured out that I am not an apostate.

My next class will be on evangelism, that should be fun. I hope it is more than you should share Jesus with your friends at work. I really have trouble getting the people at my work to believe in Jesus. Ha, that is funny, I work for a church.

Finally, it is time to go camping this summer, that is what I am really looking for.

Dissident Discipleship

I just finished reading "Dissident Discipleship" by David Augsburger and have been pondering something that he says. I am not sure if I agree with this or not, and that is causing me to get frustrated with what I believe.

Augsburger is an Anabaptist who believes in non-violence, but also believes that anyone who supports anyone or anything that supports violence is an apostate.

Websters defines an apostate as follows:
1. One who has forsaken the faith, principles, or party, to which he before adhered; esp., one who has forsaken his religion for another; a pervert; a renegade.
or
2. One who, after having received sacred orders, renounces his clerical profession.

Here is my issue, I am in the military and serve my government, my country, my state, my city, my church and my family by being in the military. I know great Christians who serve and who have served in the military. But I also believe that non-violence and love for ones neighbor is the highest standard we have been given by Christ as what we should aim for.

So, what do you think about Augsburger's definition of a person who supports their government and Websters definition of apostate, and does that apply to every person who serves in the military or even serves in a public post?

This is an interesting topic that is causing me some heart-burn as I believe you can be a mature Christian and still serve your country.

Am I an apostate?

Back to School

Here I am almost 35 years old, and I am going back to school. I will start seminary next week and begin work on my Master's of Divinity Degree.

This will be a huge challenge for me as I will still need to spend time with the boys in order for them to grow up into the men that God wants them to be. I will not be able to neglect their development. I will also need to be able to spend time with my wife. The last time I went to school was much easier than this. My wife and I were alone, no kids... we did have one dog, but he did not count, because he could occupy himself. I could study for long periods of time without interruption and learn the things that I wanted to learn.

I am excited about this adventure in my life. I love studying Theology and all things God. But this will be different, I will be learning how to lead people in the study of Theology and all things God.

Wish me luck, this will be a long run, but in the end, God has a plan for all of us and I await to see the outcome.