After the receptionist checked me in, they took me into the surgery room. They had prepared the room so that it did not feel so cold. They put a really colorful towel on the operating table which really lightened up the room, and they brought a stool in so that I could sit with him while he went through this process.
Now, Buster only weighed about 14 pounds, so he was a pretty light little dog, so I decided that I just wanted to hold him. I sat and held him while the vet came in and gave him a sedative which would relax him and put him to sleep. This is not the medication that would stop his heart. He began to fall asleep and I continued to hold him. I really did not want to let him go. I began to apologize to him. I really felt like a failure at that point.
Please allow me to explain. I am Papa, I am Daddy, I am able to handle and fix all things. When Carrie needs the pickle jar opened, she calls me. I guess sometimes I think I should be wearing red, yellow, and blue underwear with a big cape. I can fix it all, but I could not! I think that is the worst thing for me. I could not fix it, I could not make this go away, I could not make him feel better. Nothing we had done, or could do would make any difference in his life, and so I feel like I failed him. Don't get me wrong, I am not God, nor do I think that I am God, but sometimes Manhood gets in the way of good thinking.
So as I held him there in my arms, he began to fall asleep and his little tongue fell out of his mouth. If you know Buster at all, you know that he would always fall asleep with his tongue sticking out of his mouth, in fact, I used to annoy him by pulling on his tongue while he was asleep. I sort of laughed through the tears and sobbing. Since I was cradling him in my arms, I could feel his hearts beating. What I did not know at this time was that he had not been given the medication that would actually stop his heart, he was just given a tranquilizer to allow him to sleep and not feel anything. I guess this was good because when the vet came in to give him the actual medication, I was more "prepared" for it to happen.
So Buster is asleep and laying there in my arms, and he was really at peace, it was really nice to see. The vet came in and check to make sure that he was completely asleep and would not feel anything. She strapped a tourniquet around his front leg and gave him a shot. This was the medication that would stop his heart. It was sort of nice that at this point in the process, she stayed in the room with me and watched him. She continued to monitor his heart and after just a minute or so, she said that his heart had stopped.
I held him for a couple more minutes and then I was finally able to let him go. As I handed him over to the vet, I kissed his little head one last time and said good bye.
I have a couple of things that I want to talk about with this whole situation. First, (and they will probably never read this) I want to thank the staff at the vets office because they were very caring and compassionate during this time. I realize that you have to pay for these services, the same way you have to pay for a funeral for a person, the staff was really nice in handling the way payment was taken care of, I really did not have to do anything, and I never had to put Buster down during the entire process.
Second, (and they will probably never read this) I want to thank the people in the lobby when I brought him in. Thank you for understanding what I was going through, thank you for caring about my dog even though you did not know him. Thank you for allowing me dignity while I mourned the passing of my friend.
Third, I want to thank Carrie. I am so sorry we had to do this, but I would never change our lives in any way. I am so happy that we care about our pets and treat them like our family. Our dogs are not just something that hangs around with us, they are part of our family.
Fourth, I want to think Chris. I am so glad that I was able to talk to you the next day. My heart really hurt as I battled within myself. My emotional and my rational side really did not like each other that day. And my theological side was really messed up. Healing from any event comes with community and doing life together.
Finally, I want to thank Buster. You were really my first dog. My parents had dog all my life, but none of them were really mine. They were all my parents dogs. Buster, you made my life better. I really enjoyed watching you play and live your life. You made friends really easy and just wanted others to like you. You loved running down slides and following the kids around playgrounds and joining them in their play. I hope that where ever you have gone, you are enjoying your time there and that there are many slides for you to play on.
Losing a pet is never easy, putting a pet to sleep is hard. Holding your pet while you allow them to be put to sleep is the hardest.
Thank you for allowing me to share this story and experience with you. Even if you don't read it, it has been helpful to write about it so that my feelings are not stuck inside me.
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