Today I am writing about an experience that I had last week and really just need to talk about and maybe write about so that I can get my thoughts out of my own head.
Thursday, January 6, 2011 is a day I will remember for the rest of my life. It is probably not the same type of day as Tuesday, September 11, 2001 or January 28, 1996, but it will be a defining moment in my life. The day before, Carrie and I were informed that Buster had developed lymphoma. We had known that something was wrong with him for quite a while, but the vet we had been seeing just kept prescribing him antibiotics for his skin irritation, but it did not fix it. Once they insisted that we take him to see a animal dermatologists, I told Carrie that we needed to find another vet. Through friends, we found a vet that we really seem to like who has been helping us with our dog problems since we already knew that Jersey had cancer and something was wrong with Buster.
Well, after Cub Scouts on Wednesday night, we took the message from the vet that said something like, I have the results back from the biopsy, please call me on my personal cell phone... That is never a good message to get. Carrie called the vet back and we were told that he had lymphoma. I guess this was not really a surprise to us as we knew that he was really sick and was not getting better. She offered to get him involved with an animal oncologist who is conducting an research on an experimental cancer treatment. After a really long discussion, we decided that although this treatment might prolong his life, it might not make it any better and we were tired of seeing him suffer so we made the decision to have him put to sleep.
The initial plan was to take a week or so and spend some time with him before we did it, but the next morning changed our minds. The next morning I was getting ready to go to work and was up in my office (Buster was downstairs in our bedroom, almost on the other side of the house) and Carrie came up to tell me that Buster was crying and in a lot of pain. I heard him! Buster was never a loud dog who made a whole lot of noise, but I could hear him crying out in pain and I decided right there that I would not let him suffer any more.
We waited until 8 am and tried to call the vet (apparently they don't open at 8 am but 9 am) and when we did not get an answer, I went to work. Carrie finally contacted the vet and the appointment was made: 4:30 pm. I would leave the office at 3:45 pm in order to help take him to the vet. In later discussions, Carrie and I decided that it would not be good for the boys to witness this and one of us needed to take him and one of us needed to stay at home with the boys. I am not sure I want to call it the short straw, but I decided that I needed to take him and Carrie would take care of the kids. (In hindsight, this was a good decision.)
I worked through the day in a daze thinking about what was going to happen tonight. Was he going to feel it, would it be quick, could I really do it. At 3 pm, I decided to go home. I wanted to spend time with my dog (this is the only dog I have ever had who I knew what his birthday was). When I got home, he looked tired and in pain, but very alert and I began to question myself and whether we had made a correct decision. Oh, the doubt, it will drive you crazy.
During the day, Carrie and the boys were able to spend time with Buster and really had a fun day with it. They got out old scrapbooking albums and looked at pictures of when he was a puppy, they saw some of the old toys he used to play with and we got to share stories that made us laugh. (Your imagination can take you anywhere) They both drew pictures of Buster and made sure to get his little brown spot on the side. (I have to admit, I love looking at those pictures.) Finally, I got some time with him. He sat on my lap like he always does when I am reading and slowly he fell asleep. I looked at him and petted the parts of his little body that were not affect by the lymphoma and hopefully made it known to him that he was really loved.
The time came, and we wrapped him up in his towel and put him in the car. Christopher did not want to say good-bye again, he already did, but Matthew followed us down to the car petting and caring for Buster all the way. Carrie and Matthew said good-bye and I pulled the car away from the house. I will admit, this is when the tears began. It was really hard to drive, and I am so glad I did not get into an accident, but then again, the vet is less than 2 minutes from my house.
The vet was pretty busy, and there was no room to park in front so I drove around back and parked. I rewrapped him in his towel, picked him up and carried him in. I was able to compose myself before walking in. Once the receptionist was able to acknowledge me, all I told her was that I had a 4:30 and she answered, "For Buster?" I said yes. Things were going well until she handed me some paperwork that she needed me to sign. It was an "Authorization to Euthanise". Needless to say I lost it. I could not contain the sadness and grief that I was experiencing and the tears began to flow and flow freely. To be honest, this was actually a high point for me in this whole experience because it gave me a bit of renewed hope in humanity. Through tear filled eyes, while trying to sign the paperwork, I looked around the lobby and noticed that every person sitting and standing there was experiencing the same grief that I was. There was not a dry eye to be seen. In fact, one lady was crying so hard she could not even look at me. Just so you don't think I am horrible, I do not take pleasure in making people cry, but it is a hopeful sign that people who do not know each other can still care about each other.
Well, I think I have written enough for today. I will try to write more about this and the struggles I have experienced in Putting a Dog to Sleep.
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